He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
he kept looking at my chin until i asked why, then he just said he was making sure his balls didnt leave a mark.
I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
Do you know how difficult it is to snap a good dick pic while driving?
Randomize
