....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
grandma made pot brownies .. oh god bless us everyone
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
Randomize
