I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
He just "revenge puked" on her kid. I think we'll be leaving soon.
She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Hurry there's four guys dressed up as a bachelorette party, one has a condom veil and the rest are selling candy bouquets and asking if anyone wants to get laid for $5
but we were going camping. it only made sense to bring the 6 ft bong
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
So... I may have accidentally just sat on a strip of a home waxing kit.. naked... Assistance is definitely needed....
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
