What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today
All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.
your facebook page is a work of drunk art.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
Volunteering at a homeless shelter a bum asked if he could lick me cause I still reeked of whiskey. Being a bumsickle=epic hangover
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
Randomize