I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
Its what im here for. Critiquing penis photos.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea
I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
Randomize
