i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
Talking to a customer about getting high and staring at glow in the dark wheels while there is a cop in the store. Just another day in Tampa
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
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