Will you blow on my dice?
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
well.. I tried flushing my sandals down the toilet
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
Oh my fucking god you idiot bitch just get here forget about the vodka the fucking cops are looking for you
Please just fuck her. She's new to LA and doesn't know anyone nice.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
You did what with his pubic hair?
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