Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I'll be gone when you wake up but you hit a girl so I knocked you out. Never hit a girl. Unless it's with your penis.
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
my grocery cart consisted of hershey bars, sour patch kids, starbursts, mayo, 4 frozen pizzas, 4 lunchables, and chips. clearly, i can't do this on my own.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Randomize