I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Looks better than the half a blow job I got the other night which I had to finish myself. From a chick I refer to simply as "mom jeans".
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
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