I just bought Christian paraphenilia at Borders for my dad's bday. I had the urge to tell them it wasn't mine, like I was buying laxatives or a dildo
Hahahaha. You probably would have been more comfortable buying either of those than what you just bought
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
pretty sure I woke up to him jacking himself off IN MY BED
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
i out mim tonsoeep
Randomize
