Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
I'll go out only because I know the starving children in third-world countries would frown upon us if we let an hour of free sangria go to waste...
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I hat to flip my "days since last bad decision" chart back to zero. So...yeah. Sigh.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
I mean, as I was vomiting in front of a giant crucifix I became acutely aware of my poor choices
Randomize
