You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
i used baking grease as lip gloss
I only have two new blunt burns this year as opposed to freshman year's 6. This is growing up.
I just saw the Mona Lisa in the background of a porno. Whole new appreciation for art. fuck you I'm cultured.
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I have learned that if you don't want to hook up with the guy who walked you home, food is great compensation.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
tried to chug a glass full of ice cubes. went better then expected.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
Am I under any obligation to let my new fuck buddy know I slept with his little sister?
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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