my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
On a scale of 1-10 how seriously are we considering being sugar babies?
I'm about a 7.95
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
You know the bunny onesie you sent me? Happy Halloween, I just did the hop of shame.
Randomize
