my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop
so that means christmas in space?
imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
Remember that pineapple I soaked in vodka last month? Just found it- nothing is growing on it? Think it's safe?
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
I decided not to eat, and then this man was my fairy " don't black out" godmother
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
