Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
I drank a girls breast milk at this wedding. Shit was next level
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
Everyone should just give me a copy of their keys. I take your dog out and I bring beer.
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
