Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
We got so high we made milksteak
I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.
I wish buying curtains was as easy as buying drugs. I already KNOW what I want and what the outcome will be: awesome.
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
In hindsight, I probably should not have let the waiter give me a chiropractic adjustment on my neck last night.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ps he swallowed my earring last night so yeah
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
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