he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
At some point I made a semi-conscious decision that i was okay with sleeping in my own vomit.
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
She just used a chaser for red wine.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.
I DON'T WANT TO DEMONSTRATE MY DICK TAKING ABILITIES WITH MY MOM THERE.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
Only in this town do you have a bridesmaid shortage due to pregnancies.
Randomize
