You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I was so hungover I threw up on her when she answered the door. i don't think it was a good first impression
well, if it werent for her you wouldnt have gotten a handjob in the middle of the bar. so, maybe you should thank her too.
My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that
want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want
brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
I am putting together a break up mix and its pretty much the best of Phil Collins
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize