I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
Made dad pull of the highway twice on the way home so I could puke. Yeah i'd say we ended the semester well.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
I remember the Prince Albert and the three penises in the threesome. But the rest no.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Randomize
