Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
Is it bad that i wanna bang this girl ONLY because she looks like my cousin?
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
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