Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Randomize
