why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
How come it tastes like onions whenever I go down on her?
I wish i knew how bad drinking and hieghts were before i got up here
i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
When I told her that her boyfriend was making out with another chick, all she said was "which one"
He literally sends me dick pictures, EVERY DAY. SEVERAL DIFFERENT ANGLES ..it's like I GET THE POINT.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
There's a guy running dressed as a bunny toward your house.
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Randomize
