yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
I'm watching a show called "I didn't know I was pregnant" on TLC...Apparently this happens enough that there is a series
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
I think we can all look back on last night and categorize it under, " reason why Cory can't be left at the bar by himself"
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Just saw the guy I slept with last night in a bar. He gave me a high five and kept moving
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I came twice AND he sent me home with edibles. I think he’s a keeper.
Randomize
