If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
Couldn't finish, so she gave me "the tap," and I had to leave the mound early. Nothing worse than the long walk back after the manager comes out and asks for the ball.
I think my body knows it's dying and is just shutting down
I'm sorry I tried to spit drugs down your throat like a baby bird last night.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
