"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
It's like a double rainbow in both sides of the sky mixed with The Jeffersons.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
