I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
You guys coming?
We are smoking out the bouncer? But after that sure
just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
Randomize
