did you get engaged???
I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
I want to show up to tomorrow's study group looking like I got hit by a train. A train made of dicks.
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George
This is gonna be the kind of weekend where if it involves putting on pants, it ain't happening.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
he literally walked in took a shit and left ringing the 'great service' bell on the way out.
Randomize
