i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
last night i was so high that when a homeless person asked me for a dollar, i responded: dolla dolla bill ya'll.
kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I didn't even get crazy off of the coke so everything's fine. Also, I think I might have killed my aunt's dog..
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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