he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It's a given that you're going to get peed on at a country concert
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
Oh. My. God. I. Am. Going. To. Punch. Someone. In. The. Face. Immediately.
Randomize
