i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
No. I didn't know. I thought mid afternoon shots meant the day could only get better.
I'm pretty sure you called me last night and screamed that she was force-feeding you a bagel.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I am going home. I have pee on my pants. Rachel is driving and I and drunk. It is not Rachels pee. It is my pee.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
