I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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