we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I'm sorry but it's something you and your A cups wouldn't understand.
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