anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.
Jesus...So southern.
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
Chicken strips. I got my nose broken because of Chicken strips.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
Excuse me I just made a hot pocket without burning down the house, I think i can do anything.
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