I hate all girls vehemently.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
Apparently I told the girl smoking was terrible for her, and then requested it in my mouth.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
Btw, remind me to tell you about how I had to cancel my crazy wild sex plans with Will b/c my roommate came back from his trip after a day b/c Canada wouldn't let him in. Fucking cockblock.
Actually that's the whole story. You don't have to remind me.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
Randomize
