friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
What even was the context for that. All I have written down is "I would vote for President SnakeJaw."
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
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