I feel like I could be a daytime drinking legend, like they could put that shit on my tombstone and right now your preventing me from reaching my full potential
Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
I've justified worse with less. I had sex with your brother because he was wearing a nice sweater
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
I'm at forever 21 and someone pooped in the dressing room.
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
not only did he puke in his mouth and hold it.. He also sneezed while doing this
Randomize
