Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I'm putting his belongings the garage sale so he can buy his own stuff back. # divorced life. Thanks for cheating on me you tone deaf dick biscuit that'll be $20. Haha.
good news, i've got tacos. bad news, kevin's in the ER. more good news, the tacos were free.
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Your participation in the democratic process makes me horny AF
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
