Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I'm confused are we getting high or did someone actually die?
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
I can't hangout tonight, I have a phone sex appointment at 10
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
