the red head has a bf
just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
So the woman who sold us weed at the park is pregnant. With another small child. And the basket she used to carry the joints is decorated with Barney stickers.
She's like a yuppie Nancy Botwin. She just gets better and better.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
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