I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
i wonder what thom yorke's orgasms sound like
The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken
You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day
If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
quickly learned not to sleep with your roommate and work colleague in the same week
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
RESIST THE DICK
thats like telling me to resist drinking water. impossible.
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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