I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He's like a computer from 2001 in a 2014 world. It just doesn't work. Lots of glitches.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
some kid just came up 2 me bleeding yelling "thats how u riot"
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