I'm really into asian looking animals
i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
I don't know how I got that girl last night. I feel like seal right now sans the scars
We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
If you sleep with another manager before the year is up you'll deserve an accomplishment sticker.
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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