i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
I let a guy with dreads drive my car, then demanded he take me back cause I don't let strangers drive my car, while repeatedly apologizing for being a cock block.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I need you to get the emergency bail money out if the stuffed panda and go to the police station tot bail me out. I should be there in 20 minutes.
Randomize
