I dont know whether to be proud of myself for not driving, or being proud that i was so messed up I couldnt drive
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
I no longer see him as a simple set of male genitalia attached to a very sexy body. The title "trophy fuck" seems wrong. Damn.
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
We got high and watched Winnie the Pooh. Isn't that what every normal person does on their break?
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
All the doctor said was why
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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