So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
whatever sunny in Philadelphia does on Thursday nights, I'm doing all weekend.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
My glasses smell like tequila. I just put them on and almost threw up.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
You have to summon your inner elephant
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Was that before, or after strip tac toe.....
Randomize
