Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
You said you didn't want to drink anymore so you started shooting vodka down the back of your throat using a syringe. Oh, and then you aimed it at my eye ball...vodka in the eye hurts btw.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
how the FUCK did i spend 25 dollars at 50 cent beer night?
Randomize
