I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Did we almost burn down the bar last night? I guess flaming shots were a bad idea.
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
I have cats now. Five of them.
Have you considered starting a global domination firm?
Randomize
