If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Alone. In an inflatable pool. Drinking vodka and raspberry lemonade. I don't need approval as much as I need to know you love me still.
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
Yea...Let's just say I gave her the best 3 and half minutes of her life then she took a 40 minute cab ride home that she paid for...
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
Randomize
