I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
people would bow to what i just did to her vagina
Heard it's your birthday. I can't send pictures, but go ahead and imagine my balls.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Just had a flashback to Friday. Definitely had my hands in someone's bra. Definitely wasn't mine.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
Have you had sex with a man from New Zealand? No? Then your input is invalid.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Randomize
