would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
You are going to be so proud of me, I'm wearing underwear AND tights. That's two layers more than usual between my vagina and the world.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Can you find me some 'I threw up in my hair last night' medicine?
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
He was really cute! And I know but it's just like getting my fix ya know? He's basically a human vibrator.
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
Randomize
