You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
if another girl says "im usually cleaner down there" I'm just going to shoot myself
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
even the sluttiest version of myself will not go down on him
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
Ideas I've had tonight: An entire movie based off the Pixar lamp jumping on stuff.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
I NEED HELP. IM TRIPPIN BAWLS IN THE BACK OF MY MOMS CAR.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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