hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
when someone at the bar asked you a question all you knew how to say was "chug-a-lug"
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel you. We can get adjoining rooms. It'll be like Disney world, but with drugs and ivs instead of roller coasters and Mickey Mouse.
Which is way cooler
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
it was her dad's 50th birthday kegger. Within the first 5 minutes I got punched in the ear from an off-duty cop and smoked a joint the size of my vibrator.
oh yeah, and she got boxed-out by said cop. Then her dad turned around and high-fived him for it
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
I broke another vibrator the other day. Abstinence is not for me.
Randomize