I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
I know you didn't add your TWO random hook ups from the weekend to your FB friends AND change your status to "Good Catholic Girl" on the same day.
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
How do you ask the man who gives you multiple orgasms if he has friends who could do the same for your friend?
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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