you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
I wanted to be mature but the vodka was resilient.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
Dick very happy bro
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
Randomize