I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
The boys are giving me the exam answers and I don't even have to expose my body..yayy engineering!
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
He had been licking my nipple for like 5 minutes and it wouldn't get hard. He asked me to lick my own and when I did, instant hardness. I realized I'd rather have sex with myself then this guy ..
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