i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.
Good luck with that.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
I was mad at him...then I jerked off. Now I'm over it. Orgasms fix everything, I swear.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
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