why do our vaginas work when we are blacked out?? it's just not fair.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
Apparently his ex was into edging and did it to him so much that it takes forever for him to cum
I hate you and your multiple orgasm sexcapades
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