If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
You're the only person not starstruck by him
Yes. That tends to happen after you regularly lick someone's balls.
I am the murdurer of this scooby doo episode
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
I still judge her for aggressively trying to get coke from my date but pretty cool that she's a black belt
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
It occurred to me today, whilst I was on the phone to boyfriend number 1, whilst in the car with boyfriend number 2 who was dropping me at the shops to meet boyfriend number 3 to help me buy a present for boyfriend number 4 that I should be having much more sex than I am.
Man I can't believe I took a huge dump in a public garden
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