just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
He told me to prepare for his "Jurassic cock" and I had to leave the room from laughing.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
Randomize
