I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
Planning a vacation around my dog. I have become one of those dog moms.
Randomize
