I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.
well done
not only did i manage to get kicked out of the bar, i also got kicked out of denny's. i didnt even know that was possible.
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
No, he grudge fucked my ex so I wouldn't be tempted to get back with her. He is either the worst or best friend ever.
Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
