Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Hmmm, well all I'm saying is don't do anything too irrational because you miss him and are blinded by his large penis.
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
My conscious state is steadily increasing towards drunkenness.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Randomize
