I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I keep having dreams where I tie him up and eat cookies off of him while riding him. Wtf brain.
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
Randomize
