I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
True Life: I puke at bars and try to catch it in my hand...then walk away like it didn't happen
Not only do prius' look terrible they are terrible to have sex in
I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.
then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
So I spent all night thinking my bed was floating down a river and telling the cats to get on the bed because they were going to float away. Percocet is strong shit.
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
Ugh I feel like I just got hit by a big giant sex bus.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Remind me to NEVER AGAIN mix beer with tequila with beer with whiskey with vodka with rum with vodka.
Randomize
