im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
Is it bad if I just put band-aids over my nipples? Way too hungover be dealing with a bra
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
What can I say I sleep with 40 year old Cougars because my mother gave me away at birth and apparently that's why says my therapist
Randomize
