She's perfect. Funny, gorgeous, 3 tats, been through a lot, bright. I'm in love.
Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
She won't let me open the car door while we are on the highway so I can throw up outside. She deserves to have her car thrown up in.
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
he said he needs a little more pabst, some time to jack off and a sandwich and he'll be ready
If by some world ending natural disaster I get into an actual relationship with this kid, should I tell him the truth about the web of lies I've based our current relationship on?
You know you had a good night when you wake up cuddling a baseball bat and a can of chicken noodle soup.
My mute roommate is using sign language to ask a guy to fuck her.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
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