I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.
Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.
I'm pretty sure I told everyone in the bar I hadn't had sex in five months. And then I offered everyone calamari.
3pm strippers are depressing
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
THERES A FUCKBOY IN MY PERSONAL SPACE
GET IT AWAY FROM ME IM ALLERGIC
Found like seven bruises in the shower. One was shaped like a hand. Best. Sex. Ever.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
