All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I puked all over his apartment, then slept with the skinniest girl here. Which isn't saying much in Ohio.
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
I woke up to a 3rd person picture of my own dick sent from a 1-800 number..
I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I ate breakfast with him. And by ate breakfast I mean we fucked on the kitchen table.
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
I want a dick in my left hand and a Crunch Wrap Supreme in my right hand.
I wish I had a tail.
Why?
...why not?
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
Randomize
