Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'm going to draw something on my chest and I need to incorporate my nipples. Any ideas?
Randomize
