The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
And no, shaving doesn't make it look bigger, either
Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
I wish there were birth control emojis
I haven't received a dick pic from him lately. He's not even my boyfriend and I'm concerned. I hope he's alright.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
Randomize
